Do you remember the moment you gave up?
I really want you to think about it… Maybe you haven’t.
“I searched for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand in the gap before Me for the land, that I would not destroy it; but I found no one.” Ezekiel 22:30 (AMP)
When I ask that question, it might sound insulting. Because you’re here, right? Still reading. Still learning. Still standing.
But after working with thousands of spouses, one thing we’ve learned at Established Family is that every person who describes the breakdown of their marriage has a defining moment.
They can tell you how things started, when things began to shift, and—almost every time—there’s a statement like:
“When ______ happened, that’s when I knew things were bad.”
“That’s when I knew it was over.”
“That’s when I knew they didn’t love me the same way.”
Whether we admit it or not, these moments shape how we see our covenant. They can quietly build an internal narrative that redefines our faith, our hope, and our obedience.
And if we don’t let God deal with them—through repentance, deliverance, and renewal—our emotions will call an end to the marriage long before God does.
Because we are forward-driven people, we’re always looking ahead to what’s next. When we stop seeing life in the marriage, we borrow its ending from the future and place it on the present.
That’s when you start hearing things like:
-
“I’ve done what I can. It’s in God’s hands now.”
-
“All I can do is pray.”
-
“God told me to give them to Him.”
-
“The last thing I heard was ‘Be still.’”
But the truth is—the God who designed marriage isn’t simultaneously telling millions of spouses, “You’re done. You’ve done all I asked. I’ll take it from here.”
If you’ve felt that way—or if you’re exhausted, numb, and on the sidelines watching your marriage decline—this is for you.
Because God hasn’t decommissioned you.
When covenant is torn open, the easy thing is to grow passive, shut down, and hope time will quietly fix what sin violently fractured. But God never models passivity toward a wandering bride. He pursues. He confronts. He restores order.
If you’re standing for your marriage, your posture cannot be “decommissioned spouse.” You are a son or daughter of God—commissioned to re-glorify what has been profaned, to sow in peace, and to hold ground with wisdom and holy authority.
“Let us not grow weary or become discouraged in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap, if we do not give in.” Galatians 6:9 (AMP)
The following are five things every spouse must do to re-engage their marriage when the temptation to disengage or “wait it out” feels strongest.
1. Stand as a Covenant Keeper, Not a Bystander
Separation in the physical doesn’t shift anything in the spiritual.
You made a covenant before God with another one of His children.
Even if paperwork is involved, there’s still a completion to this season that God expects from those who are walking upright and righteous before Him.
Standing for healing, growth, or restoration in your marriage does not mean “do nothing.”
It means walking in true obedience to the Holy Spirit and engaging with wisdom, discernment, and competence as a covenant-keeping spouse.
You may have to decree God’s truth as you stand in the gap in intercession — not pleading from a place of fear, but speaking from a place of covenant authority.
You are not dating your spouse.
You’re not their ex.
You’re not an idle bystander.
You can walk in authority and self-control.
You can be clear and gentle.
Disengaging and becoming lukewarm in your marriage is not holiness — it’s a false peace that leaves your spirit starving for the things of God.
Challenge:
Re-engage in communication by speaking life in truth and love.
Step back into the field God assigned to you.
Choose faith-driven action instead of fear-based avoidance.
2. Re-Glorify What Sin Profaned
If a moment from your marriage still carries grief, anger, fear, or shame—it’s not healed.
It’s unglorified.
And anything unglorified is still giving the enemy access to your mind and emotions.
Heaven’s order is always the same:
bring what’s been defiled back into the light,
and let God re-consecrate it.
This isn’t about rehashing pain—it’s about removing the claim of the enemy in areas that still feel unresolved.
You cannot move forward in peace if parts of your story are still ruled by chaos.
What this can look like:
-
Hurtful or manipulative family dynamics
-
A spouse creating a new life, home, or routine apart from the covenant
-
Betrayal, rejection, or moral failure that was never brought to full repentance or closure
Challenge:
Re-glorify things that weren’t glorified:
-
Name it. Call it what it is—no minimizing, no justification.
-
Bring it to God. Lament where it hurts, repent where you partnered with the wrong response.
-
Ask for order. “Holy Spirit, how do You want me to engage this?”
-
Act in righteousness. That might mean a letter, a conversation, a standard, or an act of faith and obedience.
-
Seal it. Thank Him. Bless your spouse. Intercede until peace replaces pain.
If a memory still bears rotten fruit, it’s time to revisit it with the Spirit—not to reopen a wound, but to restore God’s authority over it.
Because anything unhealed becomes territory that the enemy uses to convince you God is finished, when He’s not.
3. Remember That Wisdom and Skill Are Spiritual
Many spouses confuse “being still” with doing nothing.
But stillness isn’t silence, and it’s not disengagement.
Stillness is obedience under divine order—it’s staying submitted to God’s instruction when your emotions want to take control.
Faith and wisdom were never meant to be separated.
God expects His people to carry spiritual discernment and practical competence.
Wisdom translates in the bible as “skillful living” or in other words “life skills!”
That’s why Jesus confronted the Pharisees’ broken view of marriage in Matthew 19:8–9,
and why Paul taught believers how to walk in relational order through 1 Corinthians 7.
Both modeled the same truth:
Godly order is not a debate.
It requires courage, clarity, and righteousness in motion.
If you’re standing for your marriage, you can’t just “hope” things change.
You have to walk in wisdom.
You have to demonstrate the maturity you’ve been asking God to build in your spouse.
Challenge:
Bring your entire house (your habits, your finances, your communication, your thought life) under divine order.
Don’t just ask God to fix your marriage while you live outside the structure He blesses.
God doesn’t move in disorder. He transforms it.
If you want heaven to touch your home, you have to make sure your home reflects heaven’s structure.
4. Break Agreement with Passivity and Fear
Passivity will convince you that silence is safety, when really it’s a slow surrender of your authority.
Fear will whisper that peace means avoiding conflict, when in truth, peace is established through righteousness, not around it.
You cannot carry the mantle of restoration while partnering with the same fear that fractured the covenant.
Pray this aloud:
“In Jesus’ name, I come out of agreement with the spirit of passivity and the spirit of fear.
I receive the Spirit of power, love, and a sound mind.
I take up the mantle of a peacemaker and a covenant keeper.
I will speak truth in love, walk in wisdom, and obey the Holy Spirit without hesitation. Amen.”
Then, deal with the roots.
Forgive what you saw—and what you never saw.
If you grew up in a home where there was no courage, no healthy confrontation, or no emotional safety—ask the Father to reparent you.
Invite Him to show you the moments where silence was survival, and let Him replace that instinct with boldness wrapped in peace.
Use the mother/father forgiveness and release sections inside Prayers That Deliver Marriages as a guide.
Deliverance isn’t just breaking the obvious—sometimes it’s breaking the subtle agreements you made with fear, control, or avoidance and calling them by name.
You are not powerless.
You are being rebuilt into someone who carries the presence of God without fear and without retreat.
5. Move from Prayer to Intercession
Prayer asks God to move.
Intercession stands in the gap until He does.
Prayer says, “Lord, change them.”
Intercession says, “Lord, use me to bear the breach until You restore it.”
This is where standing becomes partnership with Heaven.
It’s where peace is sown and righteousness begins to grow. (James 3:18)
When you intercede, you stop begging for outcomes and start carrying God’s heart.
You stop reacting to what your spouse does, and you start responding to what Heaven is doing.
You bless instead of accuse.
You act prophetically—without control, without demands, without hidden motives.
You carry revelation quietly until the Spirit releases it.
Intercession is maturity.
It’s where you learn that God isn’t only restoring your marriage—He’s restoring His image in you.
So stay in the place of intercession.
Let Him use your obedience as the seed of restoration.
Let Him teach you how to sow in peace until righteousness grows in both of you.
Final Word
You’re not waiting for time to fix what only truth can heal.
You’re not “being still,” you’re being sent.
You are still called.
Still chosen.
Still commissioned.
He hasn’t pulled you off the field, He’s refining how you fight.
So stop treating this as the season you survive.
This is the season you sow.
If you stay faithful to what God’s doing in you, not what you wish He’d do in them, you will reap righteousness. (James 3:18)
The timeline may not look like what you pictured.
But obedience will always produce fruit.
God hasn’t decommissioned you.
He’s recommissioning you… for peace, for order, and for covenant restoration.
