Listen, these questions are NOT for the dad who isn’t interested in growing himself or his family.
These questions are also not for the dad who may be annoyed that his wife just sent him this list…well, these are definitely for you, too. You just may not have liked the delivery system.
Remember, you’re on the same team!
And ultimately when dad gets better, the whole family gets better.
One last thing before you dig in: some of these questions may be harder than others.
That’s okay.
Just answer them as honestly as you can.
And if you make it to the end we will share some helpful tools that will not only grow you, but also your family.
20 Transformational Questions Every Dad Should Ask Himself:
Question 1: Do you know the purpose God has for your family?
Biblical Context: I can not tell you how many fathers who call themselves christians can not communicate a Godly purpose for their specific family. Fathers, this is so important. Understanding and aligning with God’s purpose for your family is the only thing that matters for spiritual growth and Godly leadership in your family. God desires families to honor Him and serve His kingdom together.
Bible Verse: “But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” – Joshua 24:15
Question 2: Do you have a vision statement for your family?
Biblical Context: “Oh wait, so you mean to tell me that vision gives life to my family, Derek?” YES! Just as individuals and organizations have visions, having a clear vision for your family can provide direction and unity. Visions are sharpened and refined as a family executes towards that vision.
Bible Verse: “Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.” – Proverbs 29:18 (KJV)
Question 3: Are you the spiritual leader in your home?
Biblical Context: Do you find that your home is full of tension, anger, rebellion or a spirit of depression at times? That’s usually the sign of a father who doesn’t understand that their passivity keeps them from being a skillful father. Wisdom in the Bible actually translates to “skillful living”. God has appointed fathers as spiritual leaders within their households, responsible for guiding their families in faith.
Bible Verse: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” – Ephesians 6:4
Question 4: What does leading your family as God intended look like?
Biblical Context: This is a daily question—I should have added “, daily?” to the end of the question. Because every do you have to wake up and decide of TODAY you are going to lead your family with Biblical, Godly leadership. Biblical leadership in the family involves sacrificial love, humility, and serving others as Christ did.
Bible Verse: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” – Ephesians 5:25
Question 5: Do you effectively communicate to your kids?
Biblical Context: Clear and loving communication is essential within the family, creating understanding and unity. Your children NEED understanding. They need critical mindsets that also lead them individually to Christ daily—fatherhood often looks like building up our children and not tearing them down (either directly or indirectly by being passive and absent.)
Bible Verse: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” – Ephesians 4:29
Question 6: How do you connect with each of your children on a regular basis?
Biblical Context: Building individual relationships with each child reflects God’s personal love for us and helps nurture their unique gifts and needs.
Bible Verse: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” – Colossians 3:21
Question 7: How do you handle conflict in the home?
Biblical Context: Resolving conflicts with grace, forgiveness, and humility models Christ’s reconciliation and promotes peace within the family. Transparently, this is one of the hardest things to handle in a Godly way with our families. Especially if this was not modeled for us in our homes growing up as fathers. We can tend to have a short, distant, harsh tone to our communication. When (and only when) it’s there, it stings our family instead of comforting them, bring peace, direction and leadership.
Bible Verse: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” – Matthew 5:9
Question 8: Do you pray with/over your children?
Biblical Context: Praying together as a family strengthens bonds, invites God’s presence, and teaches the importance of faith and dependence on Him. If you have daughters, pray these 96 biblical declarations over them today.
Bible Verse: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Question 9: What type of marriage do you want to model for your children?
Biblical Context: I’ve been married for 13 years—I’ve only had a Godly marriage for probably 5 of those years. Yes, we were both christians from day one of marriage and prior to coming together. That is not what our children experienced for those first 8 years though. Marriage is designed to reflect the love, commitment, and unity between Christ and His church, providing a foundation for family life.
Bible Verse: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24
Question 10: Do you want to raise your children like you were or differently?
Biblical Context: Unless you had parents who were after God’s heart for their lives, their marriage, their home, and their children, it’s likely that you have some gaps in your spiritual and mental development that will bleed over to your family if you’re not careful. It’s hard to walk in the truth that there probably were some areas that our parents failed us and were not “good” (and by good I mean Godly, righteous and glorified.) Recognizing both positive and negative aspects of one’s upbringing allows for intentional parenting rooted in God’s wisdom and grace.
Bible Verse: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” – Proverbs 22:6 (ESV)
Question 11: Is there anything you are currently hiding from your family?
Biblical Context: Let’s cut to the chase.
- What private accounts do you have?
- What interactions with females have you had that even slightly push the boundaries of the covenant of marriage?
- When’s the last time you lusted after a woman, or watched adult content?
- What financial trouble are you facing that you’re not talking to your wife about?
- What parts of your Godly identity and true self are you hiding from your family because you don’t know how to express your true spirit?
Consider those bonus questions 😉 Honesty and transparency are fundamental to healthy relationships, as darkness cannot dwell where there is light.
Bible Verse: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” – James 5:16
Question 12: Do you have healthy work-life boundaries?
Biblical Context: It’s easy to idolize and worship the work of our hands—not even outwardly, but inwardly. We can seek the validation that comes with accolades and success, not realizing that those small compromises should be filled with the presence of Jesus. Prioritizing God and family over work reflects biblical principles of rest, stewardship, and honoring relationships.
Bible Verse: “Better is a little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble with it.” – Proverbs 15:16
Question 13: Do you have any bad habits you don’t want to pass down?
Biblical Context: Sometimes it takes us having a reality check of where our family truly is in the foundational areas of our lives (remember, it’s our leadership that has taken our family to wherever we currently are.) Breaking unhealthy patterns and habits requires self-awareness, discipline, and reliance on God’s strength.
Bible Verse: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2
Question 14: Are there dreams you gave up on that God didn’t want you to?
Biblical Context: There needs to be a Godly resilience to the dreams that He downloads to us as fathers. That means you may need some restoration and/or reconciliation for the dreams you let go of when the failed or didn’t come into fruition the first time—or the second, or the third. God is a God who finishes and completes. He will not give you something that He doesn’t desire to be complete and whole. Trusting God’s timing and purposes can revive dormant dreams and lead to fulfillment beyond our own expectations.
Bible Verse: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.” – Proverbs 16:3
Question 15: What are you willing to sacrifice now because it’s worth it later on?
Biblical Context: How you live now determines how you get to live later. The planting, investing, and diligent focus you put in now (and the things you say no to) will provide a future that bears fruit from this season. Sacrifice, obedience, and perseverance in serving God and others yield eternal rewards beyond temporary comforts.
Bible Verse: “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.” – Mark 8:35
Question 16: What is something you need to change right now? Why haven’t you?
Biblical Context: If you have a stronghold in your life, there’s a potential that you just don’t see the area that needs changed. Maybe you’re blinded by shame, anger, rejection, or pride—this is why it’s so important to have other men in our lives who can speak to these things in a way that is sharpening and full of the love of Christ. Recognizing and repenting of sin requires humility, honesty, and reliance on God’s grace for transformation.
Bible Verse: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17
Question 17: Do you need to apologize/repent to any of your children? Go do it.
Biblical Context: Remember earlier when I said the first 8 years of our marriage were not Godly? Well, I had to go through a process of revelation, deliverance and repentance to my family (including my children) when God brought this to my attention. It was a 180 shift from the direction I was leading the family and from that moment forward our family has never been the same. Say it with me: “Sometimes it’s not balance, making space, and therapy. Sometimes I need deliverance.” Humble confession and reconciliation restore relationships and reflect God’s forgiveness and grace.
Bible Verse: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” – Matthew 5:23-24
Question 18: What if your child’s future spouse treated them the same way you treat your wife?
Biblical Context: Remember that everything you model for your children they will look for in their own marriage later in life. Treating our wives with love, respect, and honor reflects Christ’s love for His bride, the church, and sets a standard for healthy relationships.
Bible Verse: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” – Ephesians 5:25
Question 19: Do you have a strong community or have you isolated yourself and your family?
Biblical Context: Dude, go get some friends who love you and your family. Community is the one thing that has the spiritual dynamic to guide us through our lives and shift with every change and season that happens in our live. Believers are called to fellowship, support, and encourage one another, fostering spiritual growth and accountability.
Bible Verse: “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” – Hebrews 10:25
Question 20: If you keep living how you currently are will you end up closer to God’s purpose?
Biblical Context: Let’s check with ourselves right now: where will I be if I change nothing right now? In a year, in five years? Regular self-examination and alignment with God’s will are essential for spiritual growth and fulfilling His purposes.
Bible Verse: “Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?” – 2 Corinthians 13:5
Well, how was it?
Whether you flew through these questions, or are still processings others I have something for you that will propel you and your family forward.
It’s called the Family Foundations Kit. Basically it has everything you need to establish and grow your family now. It’s all the things we wish we would have had early on when we started our own family.
We also have a free workshop for dads too. It’s our Skillful Father Workshop that will sharpen your current skills AND give you new ones you may be missing.
