The Church Is Failing Marriages and Marriages Are Failing the Church

Have you ever stopped to consider that God is healing more than just your marriage?

It’s not only true for everyone reading this, it’s biblically accurate.

God is healing and restoring more than just you, more than just your spouse, more than just your marriage.

He is pouring out a true revelation of His Bride!

…and your alignment with the will of God will produce clarity, direction, and peace in this season that you need to fully walk in healing and restoration.

Isolation Marks a Season of Marital Hardship

At Established Family, we’ve seen this repeatedly: isolation marks a season of marital hardship.

Sometimes just one spouse isolates, but almost always both drift away from counsel, away from covering, away from nourishment.

You’ve probably lived some of this:

• People who initially supported your marriage become the loudest voices condemning it.

• You seek help from those you love and trust, but their voice is rooted in division—so you wrestle to separate your love for them from God’s clear direction to prioritize your covenant.

• A pastor recommends a counselor, therapist, or “wise” couple; but because that pastor blindly trusts without truly discipling or holding them accountable, you end up with unbiblical advice.

• Church counsel suggests things like temporary separation, no contact, no sex, or (on the opposite extreme) more sex—and then leverages relationship against you if you don’t follow their formula: Do it my way.

• The church has programs for everything—causes to support, activities to distract you—but when it comes to deliverance and discipleship, leaders are blind, too busy, or without capacity.

• You’re placed in leadership without discipleship, so you’re constantly tempted with pride or self-loathing because you “hold office” while your marriage is breaking.

• When churches do “engage marriages,” they oversimplify it with a retreat, a personality test, or an intimacy challenge.

• They accept or expect your tithe, yet allow you to hide in the congregation.

• The “community” will do everything except help you and your spouse communicate righteously:

  • They’ll pray with you individually (both of you).

  • They’ll anoint your home.

  • But they won’t pursue or facilitate opportunities that actually restore communication together.

Eventually, you start to think this is normal because this is what you’re experiencing of “church.”

So you stop expecting counsel, covering, wisdom, confrontation, and nourishment.

Let’s be plain: we don’t need another Sunday to prove a spiritually dead church can’t help your marriage.

What “Church” Is Failing Marriages?

To answer that, we need to understand what Jesus came to establish and what He is coming back for.

Jesus’ Bride is the Church.

Marriage is the reflection of His relationship with His Bride.

If you don’t understand His Bride and her role, can you truly understand marriage?

• Can you understand why He pursued her?

• Why He forgave her?

• Why He stayed with her?

• Why He accepted her after harlotry?

• Why He gave His life for her?

Can you reflect the character of the Bridegroom if you do not have a revelation of the Bride?

Qahal and Ekklesia

In the Old Testament, the word is qahal—a called assembly gathered externally; centered on Torah, temple, and territory; visibly national and civic… Israel as a national theocracy.

Qahal was God ruling Israel through the Law.

In the New Testament, Jesus uses ekklesia (ek = “out of,” kaleo = “to call”)—the called-out ones.

Before Jesus used the term, it already had a political meaning in Greek culture: the ekklesia was the official governing assembly of a city-state (e.g., Athens).

Citizens were called out to legislate, judge, and make military decisions, representing the authority of the kingdom they belonged to.

So when Jesus says, “I will build My ekklesia” (Matthew 16:18), His audience understands a governing body with delegated authority, not merely a worship service.

If He had meant a worship assembly, there was another specific word He could have used: synagogue.

Ekklesia was an intentional word—used repeatedly—to represent the governing, heaven-backed assembly of called-out ones who represent Christ’s rule on earth.
Ekklesia is God ruling hearts by His Spirit.

All throughout the New Testament we see the contours of what God designed the ekklesia for:

• Jesus’ usage — Foundation & authority (governance): Matthew 16:18; 18:17–19

• Acts — Expansion & formation: Acts 2:47; 9:31

• Paul — Structure, order, identity: Ephesians 1–3; Colossians 1

• Revelation — Oversight, correction, commission: Revelation 1–3

This is where much of the modern tension lies between the Church and culture—between those who believe that the revelation of Christ’s kingdom is purely spiritual, nullifying the need for believers to engage in earthly systems of authority, and those who understand the true nature of the Ekklesia as a governing body sent to bring Heaven’s order into every sphere of influence.

For centuries, this has been one of the great divides within Christianity:

Should the Church remain inward—focused on salvation, sanctification, and spiritual renewal?

Or should the Church advance outward—governing, influencing, and legislating righteousness in nations, institutions, and culture?

Let me take a second to summarize this ongoing debate about politics, national welfare, and strategic authority.

Argument against Ekklesia:

“Inward Zion” (Spiritual-Transformation Emphasis)

• Luke 17:20–21 — The kingdom is not observed outwardly; the King is among you.

• Romans 14:16–17 — The kingdom is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.

• Ephesians 2:19–22 — We are fellow citizens, built into a holy temple, a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.

• 1 Peter 2:5, 9 — Living stones; a royal priesthood; a consecrated nation; a people for God’s possession.

Argument for Ekklesia:

“External Commission” (Kingdom Mandate Emphasis)

• Matthew 16:19 — Keys (authority) to bind and loose on earth as in heaven.

• Matthew 28:18–20 — All authority → make disciples of nations; baptize; teach; Jesus is with us to the end.

• Ephesians 3:10 — Through the church, the manifold wisdom of God is made known to heavenly rulers and authorities.

• Revelation 5:10 — A kingdom and priests who will reign on the earth.

Now, we believe and teach at Established Family that the former informs the latter. Neither one nullifies the other.

Seriously, how could we read both Biblical foundations and miss that the plan is eternal purpose and reward mixed with earthly mission and mandate?

The Function of the Ekklesia

According to scripture, the Ekklesia is alive and well and purposed for:

1. A spiritual government (binding and loosing — Matthew 18).

2. A prophetic voice to nations (Acts 17).

3. A redemptive community of transformation (Ephesians 2).

4. A model of future kingdom order (Revelation 21).

How do we know it models the future?

Because the end declares the aim:

• Revelation 11:15 — “The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of His Christ.”

So, the ekklesia is the assembly that may gather in the synagogue (the church) for worship, faith, community, and mission—but its function is governance, discipleship, transformation, and witness.

It’s not the function of the ekklesia that is failing marriages.
It is the function of the synagogue that is failing marriages.

There is a difference.

If the church (synagogue) you attend is spiritually dead, it will not breathe life into your marriage.

A church (synagogue) that…

• avoids deliverance,

• lacks strong discipleship,

• is led by unaccountable or compromised leaders,

• suppresses spiritual gifts instead of governing them,

• won’t give prophetic direction when you’re drowning,

…will leave you spiritually starving.

That is not the ekklesia.
The ekklesia is not in that synagogue.
That’s a gathering of hypocrites, Gentiles, and slaves.

And a starving synagogue creates starving believers who think they’re fed because they sit in the room every week.

Let’s get something straight:

• You can’t tithe your way into restoration.

• You can’t volunteer your way into a healthy marriage.

• You can’t life-group your way into breakthrough.

• You can’t fake your way into the power of God.

If the synagogue leadership over you can’t confront demonic strongholds, call out sin in truth and love, or guide you through deliverance, what are you actually being discipled into?

And BTW…Marriages Are Also Failing Churches

Up to this point, we’ve talked about how the Church is failing marriages—how unspiritual leadership, shallow discipleship, and powerless gatherings have left families starving for truth and deliverance.

But we also need to look at the other side of this.
Because if the Church is sick, it’s not only because its leaders are blind—it’s because its members are bringing infection to the body.

So before we point fingers at pulpits, we have to confront the condition of our own temples.
Because the truth is this:

Marriages are also failing the Church.

And when we say “church,” we’re not just talking about the institution on the corner.
We’re talking about both the Ekklesia and the synagogues—the governing assembly and the gathered body.

We are temples—the dwelling place of the Spirit of God. The temple was only in Jerusalem. That’s where Jesus flipped the tables: “This is My Father’s house.” And He said, “Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up.” On the cross, Jesus shifted the temple from a physical building to His body and to the hearts of the sons and daughters of salvation.

So what happens when the temple (you) is oppressed, demonized, and fractionalized?

We drag these compromised temples into the synagogue and expect them to fix us. We live our marriages, work our vocations, walk through the world, allowing unclean things into the temple—and then we bring those unclean things to the church and blame the church when it can’t solve what we refused to sanctify.

Think about it:

You’re gathering demons and demonized things from the world—

• gathering false, metaphorical arguments,

• gathering strongholds,

• gathering regional demonic influences,

• gathering demonic doctrines,

• gathering fear, terror, dread, anxiety, anger (unclean emotions),

…and then bringing them into the synagogue—the gathered assembly—and blaming it when there’s no instant solution. You’re acting like an unclean hunter-gatherer.

That’s not just decommissioned; that’s counter-commission—anti-commission—gathering unto the Lord the oppression of the world.

This is where we as husbands, we as wives, we as marriages are failing the church. We aren’t useful in the synagogue. We aren’t useful in the ekklesia.

Do we run from God? No. We break the veil of deception.

You Are the Redeemed Solution

You are meant to be rooted in Christ, transformed by the renewing of your mind, and to be the ekklesia. You are meant to go and make disciples. You are meant to carry a righteous covenant. You are meant to raise offspring in a delivered home. You are the called and sent-out ones.

Instead of returning to the synagogues with more oppression and torment, you’re meant to bring back disciples and intelligence about the world so the new church can mobilize against the gates of Hades.

Without sons and daughters functioning as glorified spouses…
Without glorified spouses creating consecrated marriages…
Without consecrated marriages producing godly offspring…

…God’s intelligence system and governance system among His people becomes broken, divided, and fractionalized.

• His marriages are deceived.

• His families are separated.

• His synagogues are filled with the wrong things.

Which means the function of the ekklesia isn’t legislating and establishing heaven’s government on earth as it should.

So when you are running and weeping to the All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Omniscient, Omnipresent God—the Father who sacrificed His own Son for His Bride—and you cry, “God, heal my marriage!”—why would He repair something that is gathering darkness and dragging it to His Bride?

Hear it again for this season:

God is healing more than the marriage.
God is healing His ekklesia—using marriage as a vehicle.

When you understand the function of your identity (son, daughter), you understand the function of marriage and covenant. When you understand marriage and covenant, you understand fruitful multiplication and family. When you understand that, you see how it overflows into today’s synagogues (the gathered church). And when you understand that, you become the ekklesia—sent out to establish the government of heaven in the world.

The Flow of Restoration

• It starts in you — the Temple.

• It bears fruit in your marriage — the Covenant.

• It builds a family — reproducing righteousness.

• That family is unified and encouraged in the synagogue.

• And that family is sent out as the ekklesia.

This is how the Church stops failing marriages, and marriages stop failing the Church—when the people of God stop outsourcing consecration and start embodying the governing presence of Christ together.