It is clear that we, as wives, are called to submit to our husband as the head of our home and our spiritual covering. When we submit to our husband, we are ultimately submitting to God and His order.
The only exception to submission is when a husband is leading in sin—clear violations of God’s Word such as sexual immorality (porn, masturbation, open marriage/bedroom, etc.), drug use of any kind (legal or illegal), or demands to reject your faith in Christ.
In every other matter that falls under the category of decisions needing to be made, God calls us to walk in submission. But submission is not silence. It does not mean you are a doormat. It does not mean your voice holds no weight. It does not mean your wisdom is ignored. And it certainly does not mean you keep quiet just to “keep the peace.”
When a marriage is out of alignment with God’s design—much like what many of you are facing—you must anchor yourself in wise, biblical counsel. Surround yourself with believers of sound mind who can help you discern the next steps. And remember: God can receive the glory no matter the path forward.
Wives are indeed called to submit—but husbands are held to an even greater standard. Scripture commands husbands to “love your wives as Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5:25). And if we need reminding, Christ died for the church. He did not lead from selfishness, excuses, or emotional instability. He led with sacrificial love, courage, and unshakable commitment—modeling the very heart of the Father.
So again—when a marriage is not in God’s design, it’s not as simple as “submit or else.” We cannot start there. The marriage itself is sick, and it will not heal through domination or fear. Healing requires wisdom, humility, and a return to God’s order. Continue seeking the Holy Spirit, and invite wise counsel to confirm, sharpen, and edify.
That said—let’s debunk five lies about submission that wives (and husbands) have believed, and expose how they keep us from walking in God’s design.
Submission Is Not Just a Wife Thing
Many people know the verse: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9). Some translations say “children of God.”
Submission is not a female-only command—it is a Kingdom posture required of every believer in Christ.
Jesus didn’t say, “Blessed are the wives who are peacemakers” or “Blessed are the husbands who are peacemakers.” He said, “Blessed are the peacemakers” period. That means if you desire to be recognized as a son or daughter of God, you must walk in the posture of a blessed peacemaker.
And if I want to be a child of God through peacemaking, the obvious question is:
- What makes me a peacemaker?
- What characteristics define that calling?
The answer is found in James 3:17–18:
“But the wisdom from above is first of all pure [morally and spiritually undefiled]; then peace-loving [courteous, considerate], submissive, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, free from hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness (spiritual maturity) is sown in peace by those who make peace [by actively encouraging goodwill between individuals].”
Notice the order—wisdom from above is not just pure and peace-loving, it is submissive.
Submission is literally embedded in the DNA of the heavenly wisdom of a peacemaker who sows in peace.
If you reject submission, you are rejecting one of the very traits God says makes a peacemaker.
This isn’t optional for one gender.
A husband who refuses to submit to God, to His Word, and to the accountability of other believers is outside the posture of a peacemaker just as much as a wife who refuses to submit to her husband’s rightful leadership under God’s order.
So before we single out wives, Scripture forces us to recognize: submission is a Kingdom principle required of every believer.
It is not weakness.
It is not silence.
It is the yielded posture that allows God’s order to bring peace, healing, and restoration—both in your marriage and in your own heart.
But Wives, Don’t Ignore Godly Submission and Order
That said, wives, we have to be so careful…
There’s still an order to spiritual law concerning a marriage.
Genesis 2:18 does not say, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a second leader.”
It says, “I will make him a helper suitable for him.”
The word helper here—Hebrew ʿēzer—is not a secondary, fragile role.
It’s the same word used of God Himself as our help in times of trouble (Psalm 33:20).
In Scripture, ʿēzer is tied to rescuing, delivering, strengthening, and protecting.
This means your God-given position is not to compete for headship or shrink into silence, but to uphold the covenant alongside your husband in the role God specifically designed for you.
When you step out of that role (no matter how noble your intentions) you create a spiritual gap the enemy is eager to fill.
And when your husband is absent (spiritually, emotionally, or physically) it’s tempting to take on roles God never assigned you.
That shift may feel like survival, but it can slowly move you from stewarding your anointing to simply enduring his absence.
God didn’t design helper as a lesser position, it’s a partnering role of divine alignment, where your strength flows from His Spirit, not from your own striving.
When you remain in that post in obedience, you open the door for God to work in your husband, your home, and your own heart.
Submission is the God-ordained posture that keeps you in that role.
It’s the act of voluntarily staying under the covering and order God established, even when your flesh wants to abandon it.
Submission guards your role as ʿēzer, keeps you aligned with God’s wisdom, and shuts the door the enemy is waiting to walk through.
Disclaimer: Submission is NOT ABUSE
Oh, and before we get to the lies…
One of the first rebuttals to this topic is always,
“Well, what about abusive relationships?”
LET US STATE THIS PLAINLY:
We are in no way talking about abusive relationships or condoning a wife submitting to an abusive husband. Abuse is devastating and dangerous, and it grieves the heart of God.
But what we are talking about are the millions of non-submissive wives who are not being abused—wives who resist biblical submission because of pride, misunderstanding, or fear.
AND HERE’S THE TRUTH YOU ALREADY KNOW DEEP DOWN:
If you’re not walking in biblical submission, you will stand before God someday.
You won’t have your husband as a buffer between your righteousness and faithfulness. Your submission to God’s order is your responsibility.
Lie #1: Submission is Domination
Submission is NOT domination.
Biblical submission has been distorted into an image of power and control, where one spouse dominates the other.
But domination demands compliance through fear, manipulation, or force—a dynamic rooted in pride, not God’s order.
True submission is an invitation to partnership, not a license for power plays.
It’s a covenant of mutual honor under God’s design, where the husband leads with humility and the wife partners in strength.
Truth:
Submission is not a call to accept domination—it’s a call to align your heart with God, even when your husband misses the mark.
Your submission begins with your submission to Christ, not to your husband’s dysfunction.
It’s an act of trust in God’s ability to bring order, healing, and transformation to your marriage.
“For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church…” —Ephesians 5:23
If your husband has abandoned sacrificial love, you still remain under Christ’s perfect covering. Your submission to God is the anchor that steadies your heart and allows you to walk in peace, strength, and grace—even when your marriage is broken.
Lie #2: Submission is Silence
The lie that submission means “suffer quietly” is a distortion of God’s design. Silence in the face of dysfunction or sin is not submission—it’s enabling.
Biblical submission isn’t passive; it’s active obedience to God’s order. It doesn’t muzzle truth—it amplifies it with love, wisdom, and grace.
“Speak the truth in love, so that we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ.” —Ephesians 4:15
SILENCE IS DYSFUNCTIONAL.
SPEAKING TRUTH BRINGS HEALING.
Truth:
Godly submission is not passive approval—it’s proactive accountability.
Speaking truth requires spiritual maturity. God may be calling you to grow in wisdom and kindness, allowing your words to be guided by His Spirit, not your frustration.
And you cannot do this alone. True submission presses into community—a safe, Godly community that holds both you and your spouse accountable to covenant.
When a wife submits to God first, she becomes a vessel of His wisdom and discernment.
Her voice is essential for confronting sin and encouraging righteousness in her husband.
“Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” —Proverbs 27:5
Lie #3: Submission is Weakness
Submission is NOT weakness.
The idea that submission means a wife must be fragile or powerless is a complete distortion of God’s design. Weakness crumbles under pressure—but biblical submission requires strength, resilience, and spiritual maturity.
True submission calls a wife to be clothed in strength and dignity, walking confidently in her God-given role. It is not about being subdued—it’s about using her strength to build up her marriage, family, and faith, rather than tearing them down.
“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” —Proverbs 31:25
Truth:
Godly submission is an act of strength—standing firm in truth, pressing into prayer, and walking in faithfulness, even when it’s difficult.
Submission is not about surrendering strength—it’s about surrendering pride.
It takes more strength to submit to God’s order than to fight for control. A wife walking in biblical submission understands that her strength is not for competing with her husband but for complementing him as his partner.
Her strength isn’t just physical or emotional—it’s spiritual. She is called to strengthen her marriage with prayer, wisdom, and grace, knowing that true power comes from aligning with God’s design.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.” —Ephesians 6:10
Lie #4: Submission is Enabling Sin
Submission is NOT enabling sin.
The lie that submission requires tolerating sin, abuse, or manipulation is a dangerous distortion of God’s design. Enabling sin means turning a blind eye to unrighteousness, allowing it to thrive unchecked.
But biblical submission is rooted in righteousness, truth, and accountability.
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” —Galatians 6:1
Biblical submission does not mean submitting to sin—it means refusing to partner with anything that opposes God’s order.
Truth:
Submission aligns with God’s righteousness, not the sin of a spouse. It calls a wife to stand firmly in God’s truth and confront sin with wisdom, courage, and love.
“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.” —Romans 12:9
Submission does not tolerate abuse, manipulation, or deceit. It creates space for God’s light to expose and transform sin.
A wife walking in submission does not enable destruction; she becomes an intercessor for her husband’s repentance and restoration.
Lie #5: Submission Should Be Earned
Submission is NOT earned.
The belief that submission must be earned makes it conditional, placing it on the shoulders of a flawed spouse rather than in obedience to a perfect God. If submission were based on perfection, no one would ever be worthy of it.
Biblical submission flows from trust in God’s design, not from your spouse’s ability to lead flawlessly. It’s an act of faith, grounded in the knowledge that God works through imperfect vessels to accomplish His perfect will.
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” —Colossians 3:23
Truth:
SUBMISSION IS AN ACT OF WORSHIP, NOT A REWARD FOR YOUR SPOUSE.
It requires faith in God’s sovereignty and a willingness to trust His order, even when circumstances fall short of His design. Your submission is to God first, and through Him, it flows into your marriage as a testimony of His redemptive power.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” —Proverbs 3:5-6
To believe submission must be earned is to place faith in man’s perfection instead of God’s provision. True submission looks beyond the faults of your spouse and places your hope in the God who sees all, knows all, and redeems all.
