When you’re standing for your marriage, one of the most painful realities you can face is when your spouse simply doesn’t want restoration.

They may resist, avoid, or outright refuse the process of healing.

But unwillingness isn’t just their problem — it’s something you’ll need wisdom, patience, and spiritual strategy to navigate.

God doesn’t leave you without guidance.

Scripture gives us clear instruction on how to recognize falsehood, guard your own heart, and keep walking in truth even when your spouse is unwilling. Here are five ways to handle it.

1. Lead with Repentance (You’re Set Free)

Many unwilling spouses know the marriage is broken.

They’ve seen the damage.

They may even have moments of clarity or “wake-up calls.”

But recognition doesn’t always lead to repentance.

And without repentance, there is no real transformation.

When God pulls us out of blindness and seduction, we are not meant to stay in limbo.

We are meant to step into:

Repentance (return). Turning from self-rule back to God’s authority is the foundation of restoration. Repentance is not a one-time act but a daily return that keeps the heart soft.

Death to the old self. True healing requires putting to death the patterns, excuses, and sins that fueled destruction in the first place.

Resurrection and putting on the new self. As Paul teaches, we don’t just die to sin — we are raised to walk in newness of life (Romans 6:4). Restoration only comes when both spouses clothe themselves in Christ.

Switching our governance system from flesh to Spirit. Every marriage lives under a government. The question is — is it governed by selfish desires or the Spirit of God? (Galatians 5).

Maturing from milk to solid food. Marriage requires spiritual maturity. You can’t remain a spiritual infant and expect covenant strength (Hebrews 5:12–14).

Sowing peace and reaping righteousness. James 3:18 says, “Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.” Your words and actions plant seeds that will one day bear fruit.

Freedom and emancipation from bondage. Christ didn’t just save us from sin’s penalty, but from sin’s power. A marriage that refuses to confront bondage will remain enslaved.

Bearing fruit in keeping with repentance. John the Baptist’s call still echoes: repentance should produce evidence. Not empty apologies, but visible fruit.

Now here’s the truth you need to carry:

repentance breaks spiritual callousness more than anything else.

Over and over again in Scripture, it is repentance that turns the heart of man back toward God, tears down pride, and reopens the flow of His presence.

So rather than waiting for your spouse to repent first, you can lead.

You can soften the atmosphere of your home by being the first to humble yourself before God. You can disarm defensiveness in conversations by leading with your own repentance, not their failures.

When you choose to repent daily — even for your own hardness, fear, or control — you invite the Spirit of God to move in places your spouse’s unwillingness is trying to block.

2. Discern if They’re Unwilling or Just Spiritually Blind

In Established Family, we’ve met with thousands of spouses who are fighting for their marriages. To give you a sense of scale: our organization is made up of multiple therapists, coaches, and counselors (and that team is growing monthly). In 2025 alone, my wife and I have already done close to 1,000 sessions ourselves. If you’re reading this past August, we’re already well beyond that number.

Why share that? Because it gives weight to what I’m about to say:

Out of all of those thousands of sessions, we’ve only seen a handful of spouses who were truly unwilling. Yet almost every spouse we meet believes their spouse is unwilling when they first come to us. What we discover again and again is this: they weren’t unwilling, they were spiritually blind.

And that difference matters.

Blindness means they don’t see the truth yet. Their heart is dull, their ears are clogged, their eyes are closed. But when someone is blind, God has compassion. Jesus Himself said that when He saw sheep without a shepherd, His heart was moved with pity. Spiritual blindness is devastating, but it is still within the reach of God’s mercy and your intercession.

Unwillingness means they see, but refuse to act. This is far more dangerous. It’s when someone knows the truth, but chooses rebellion. 2 Peter 2:20–22 warns that it would have been better never to have known the way of righteousness than to know it and turn back. Unwillingness hardens the heart against God, and only His discipline can pierce it.

So what does that mean for you, practically?

Pray for compassion if your spouse is blind. Ask God to give you His perspective — to see their blindness not as rejection of you, but as evidence of their need for Him. Compassion will help you keep tenderness in your prayers instead of frustration in your words.

Pray for conviction if your spouse is unwilling. If they truly know the truth and still resist, you need to pray that the Holy Spirit’s conviction cuts deeper than your arguments ever could. Conviction is not about guilt trips — it is about God breaking through deception and rebellion in ways you never could.

Guard your own spirit so their unwillingness doesn’t provoke bitterness in you. Whether your spouse is blind or unwilling, the danger is the same: you can become hardened, resentful, or self-righteous in the process. Hebrews 12:15 warns: “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God, and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble, and by it many be defiled.”

Side-note: Bitterness is not something that simply “happens” to you. It’s something you allow. You make room for it. You water it. You let it take root until it grows and defiles not just you, but those around you. Guard your heart by choosing humility, forgiveness, and continual repentance. Don’t let your spouse’s condition become your downfall.

It takes spiritual maturity to know the difference between blindness and unwillingness. That’s why many spouses mislabel what they’re experiencing. But when you discern correctly, you’ll know how to pray, how to posture your heart, and how to keep yourself aligned with God’s design while He works on your spouse.

3. Reject the Spirit of Falsehood

When you are standing for your marriage, you are not just waiting — you are equipped to stand and face the enemy according to the armor of God. In fact, in Ephesians 6, the command to “stand” is repeated three to four times before Paul even lists the armor itself.

Why? Because if you don’t know how to stand, the armor is useless.

When you desire marriage restoration, what you’re really desiring is:

• Effective works (fruit that actually lasts).
• Consistent hope (not emotional ups and downs).
• True peace (not just a break from conflict).

But here’s the problem: most people don’t even know what those things truly are.

For Example, Here’s What Peace is NOT

• “I’m just letting go and letting God.”
• “God told me to be still, so He needs to deal with my spouse.”
• “I’m not working on the marriage until they deal with their addiction, immorality, or dysfunction.”
• “We don’t argue right now, so at least things are peaceful and cordial.”

That’s not peace. That’s passivity.

The Hebrew word picture for shalom (peace) literally means: “to destroy the authority that establishes chaos.”

That means unless you — the willing vessel and chosen instrument of God — stand and face the authority behind the chaos (the unclean spirit, the principality, the stronghold, the oppression) and allow God to destroy it through your obedience, you will never experience peace. It’s impossible.

You cannot turn your back on the authority of chaos and still cry out to God for peace.

Recognizing Falsehood in Your Spouse

Here’s the reality: your spouse is going to operate in some form of falsehood if they are unwilling or if they are spiritually blind. But if you’ve truly been delivered — as many standing spouses claim but few actually walk out — you are no longer subject to the same falsehood.

That means you don’t get triggered the way they do.

You don’t respond with the same anger or avoidance.
You don’t fall into the same isolation, depression, immorality, strife, or chaos.

Instead, you anchor yourself in truth and expose the counterfeit.

Unwillingness and spiritual blindness always produces falsehood.

It may look convincing on the outside, but at its root it’s the opposite of what we desire.

Instead of effective works, consistent hope and true peace, it’s:

• False works. Efforts without repentance.
• False hope. Promises without fruit.
• False peace. Silence that avoids truth.

Paul warned Timothy of this exact condition: “[they’re] always learning and listening to anybody who will teach them, but never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.”

You may see your spouse reading, attending church, or talking about “working on things.”

But if their actions deny Christ, Scripture is clear:

“They profess to know God, but by their actions they deny Him” (Titus 1:16).

The Call for You

Falsehood is not restoration. Don’t accept a counterfeit. Don’t confuse “calm” with “peace.” Don’t confuse “apologies” with repentance. Don’t confuse “effort” with fruit.

Including in yourself.

If you are the standing spouse, your responsibility is to discern the difference, walk in truth, and refuse to let their falsehood pull you into the same deception—and ultimately refuse to walk in falsehood yourself.

Real peace requires confrontation with chaos.
Real hope requires repentance.
Real restoration requires fruit.

Anything less is falsehood — and God didn’t call you to stand for a counterfeit marriage.

4. Pursue the Life of a Son or Daughter

Your spouse may only “try” when everything is falling apart. Once the crisis eases, they slip back into apathy. But standing is not crisis management — it’s covenant keeping.

Even after breakthrough, you will still need to stand. Not because you’re in emergency mode, but because this is the life of a son or daughter of Christ. These are not temporary fixes — they are the permanent call of the believer.

To stand means you anchor yourself in:

Repentance. “For godly sorrow that is in accord with the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation; but worldly sorrow produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:10). Repentance isn’t just a doorway into faith; it is the pathway we continually walk.

Righteousness. “And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace” (James 3:18). Righteousness is not a concept; it is a harvest from the seeds you sow daily.

Purity of heart. “Come close to God [with a contrite heart] and He will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; and purify your [unfaithful] hearts, you double-minded” (James 4:8). Purity is a call to continual cleansing — not perfection, but humility and repentance.

Ongoing faith in Christ. “And we all, with unveiled face, continually seeing as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are progressively being transformed into His image from one degree of glory to even more glory” (2 Corinthians 3:18). Faith is not static — it is meant to grow, mature, and transform.

Community. “Two are better than one because they have a more satisfying return for their labor; for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and does not have another to lift him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10). You were never called to stand in isolation. Community is part of covenant life.

Wisdom. “Who among you is wise and intelligent? Let him by his good conduct show his good deeds with the gentleness of wisdom… But the wisdom from above is first pure, [morally and spiritually undefiled], then peace-loving, courteous, considerate, gentle, reasonable and willing to listen, full of compassion and good fruits. It is unwavering, without self-righteous hypocrisy” (James 3:13, 17). Godly wisdom is not intellectualism; it is demonstrated in humility and fruit.

Perseverance. “Blessed [happy, spiritually prosperous, favored by God] is the man who is steadfast under trial and perseveres when tempted” (James 1:12). Crisis doesn’t create perseverance — it reveals it. Standing is long obedience in the same direction.

Obedience. “But prove yourselves doers of the word [actively and continually obeying God’s precepts], and not merely listeners [who hear the word but fail to internalize its meaning]” (James 1:22). Obedience is how you stand — not ideas, not feelings, but action.

Humility. “God is opposed to the proud, but continually gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). Standing isn’t you proving strength; it’s you kneeling lower, so grace can lift you higher.

Forgiveness. “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14). Unforgiveness makes standing impossible. Forgiveness breaks the cycle of bitterness.

Love. “Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Love isn’t tolerance of sin — it’s the willingness to bear with, forgive, and call forth God’s best.

Don’t let their inconsistency dictate your consistency. You stand not because of their willingness, but because of your covenant with God.

Crisis may wake you up, but covenant keeps you standing.

5. Confront the Stronghold of Unwillingness

We just wrote a teaching on confronting demonic strongholds in your marriage.

That requires courage and boldness in Christ.

It also requires a willingness from you to step into the refiners fire with the marriage.

Many times the spouse who is quick to accuse their partner of being unwilling is, in fact, carrying a spirit of unwillingness themselves — and they just can’t see it.

Scripture makes this clear:

In 2 Corinthians 3, Paul says that when the heart is dull, a veil covers the mind so that truth cannot be seen. Think about it — if your mind was dulled and you had lost your ability to understand, would you recognize it in real time?

The answer is an obvious “no.”

You’d be like King Nebuchadnezzar or King Saul, headlong in your madness and spiritual blindness without even realizing a veil had settled over your heart.

That’s why humility is critical.

If you are truly standing for your marriage, you must be willing to pray honestly:

“Holy Spirit, show me where I am unwilling in my heart.”

Notice — don’t even limit that prayer to your marriage. Simply ask Him to reveal any area of unwillingness. And if it’s there, He will show you — not only what it is, but whether it extends beyond your marriage.

I know from personal experience.

Much of my own unwillingness wasn’t confined to my marriage with Jordan.

She bore the brunt of it, because she was closest to me in covenant relationship, but the roots went far deeper. I was just as unwilling in my friendships, in my workplace, in my entrepreneurial pursuits — it just showed up in different ways. My sin nature wasn’t selective. It didn’t say, “Yes to unwillingness in marriage, but no everywhere else.” It infected every area.

Proverbs says that Sheol (the grave) is never satisfied, and neither are the eyes of man. In the same way, a heart of unwillingness is never content. It always pushes further, looking for new ground to harden, new places to resist God. That’s why unwillingness in marriage often signals deeper unwillingness in the soul.

This is where pride becomes deadly.

Pride doesn’t want you unveiled.

Pride doesn’t want you transforming from glory to glory (2 Corinthians 3:18). Pride will keep you veiled, surround you with prideful relationships, immerse you in communities of error, and even convince you to submit to false leaders who reinforce your deception. And its goal is simple: to perpetuate its dominion — not just over you, but over your marriage and family.

Proverbs 29:1 warns us: “He who is often rebuked, and hardens his neck, will suddenly be destroyed—and that without remedy.”

Pray that your spouse does not remain hardened.

But also recognize: you cannot break their cycle of unwillingness, and you cannot excuse your own. Only God can unveil the heart. Only God can shatter pride. Only God can bring true repentance.

So before you point at unwillingness in your spouse, make sure you have dealt with any trace of it in yourself.

Final Word

Handling a spouse who is unwilling is painful, but it does not leave you powerless. God has not called you to despair; He has called you to stand.

Stand in truth.
Stand in righteousness.
Stand in repentance.
Stand in faith.

Refuse to partner with falsehood. Refuse to let bitterness take root. Refuse to let their unwillingness dictate your destiny.

Because your covenant is not upheld by human willpower — it is upheld by the God who redeems, restores, and makes all things new.