Biblical Marriage Hacks: 6 Underrated Tactics to Instantly Improve Your Marriage

We often look for books, frameworks, processes, and groups when it comes to growing in our marriage.

It’s not often that we look right in front of us for the growth, instead of the problems.

The stories we tell ourselves allow us to believe that marriage is this complicated thing that God designed, requiring an entire blueprint made up of intricate systems and processes, taking 50-60 years to master—if you make it that far.

When you think about the Biblical depiction of marriage, it’s nowhere near as complicated as humanity has made it.

BUT!!! THIS IS A BROKEN WORLD.

And you are two broken people, just like my wife and I.

However, as a highly intellectual person who has learned to submit that gift to God so it doesn’t run me, I can assure you of this:

Sometimes you need micro breakthroughs today to give you the encouragement, hope, and vision for the direction God can take your marriage.

After 13 years of marriage, these are 6 things that I’ve consistently turned to when I want to see breakthrough and growth in any season… and I want to see it quickly.

1) Don’t Idolize Your Routines

If you idolize your routines, they will fail you.

Order and legalism are not the same thing.

Order and perfectionism are not the same thing.

Bear in mind that when we become a slave to our routines, systems and processes, we’ve effectively created an idol that we trust more than the power of the Holy Spirit.

If we are submitted to the biblical order of Christ, our home has enough “processes” in it to not only sustain today but to propel us towards our growth in our Godly purpose as a family. We can boil down the order of a Godly family into:

• Make the home a dwelling place for God.
• Make sure the husband has a Godly vision.
• Make sure the wife is a nurturer and home builder (doesn’t mean she’s stuck there).
• Make sure the kids are upright and respectful.
• Make sure you’re active in building and growing your community and the church.

If you are doing those things well, then other things become less important.

Husbands:

• You’ll focus less on the specificity of her words and tone and not take everything personally.
• You’ll look at your kids with adoration instead of the little minions getting in between you and your wife.
• You’ll see your ability to work with your hands as a gift that you’re eager to chase daily, and not labor you’re doing in vain.
• You’ll see yourself NOT as unqualified, but as CALLED by God to lead a vision.

Wifes:

• You’ll focus less on the intricacies of a “dirty, unclean” home and focus on functionality.
• You’ll care less about clean spaces and more about righteous atmospheres.
• You’ll care less about how quickly your children “get it done and get the next thing done.”
• You’ll see yourself as trusted and worthy to manage and GROW a God size vision.
• You’ll see your Husband as your protector and pursuer of your heart and not as someone you have to defend yourself against.

Do. Not. Worship. Or. Idolize. Your. Routines.

And that can stop today. You don’t have to wait a second longer.

2) Approach Your Spouse Righteously

I was convinced early on in my marriage that if I could be RIGHT about what actually happened in our lives, I could account for things when it came to disagreements and arguments and I COULD CHANGE US.

I really believed that.

So I became cold, stoic, legalistic, hyper observant and critical.

I was the walking definition “keeping a record of wrongs.” 

Us (husbands) might be able to remember exactly what happened, how it happened, why it happened, and how to avoid it from happening…

But our wives…they remember how it felt.

…how we made them feel, how we didn’t see them or hear them, or understand their heart in the matter.

Their defensiveness and bitterness is a fruit of our lack of leading with understanding.

Yes, we are called to LEAD and COMMUNICATE with understanding.

God hardwired our wives to respond to understanding.

So, you can effectively and immediately change how you approach your wife with any and all communication. It doesn’t matter if it’s a small thing or a large damaging thing. Your infusion of Godly understanding will be the difference in how your marriage grows or receives another crack or broken edge.

3) Take Your Thoughts Captive

If I was looking at Derek in his 20’s, this is the one I would start with.

Take your thoughts captive, my guy.

You’ve created an entire false reality in your head and now you are holding your wife accountable to a behavior, tone, perspective and heart posture she never really had.

You are borrowing strife from a fantasy world and making it the reality you live in when you (as a spouse in a covenant relationship) chooses to let your thoughts run wild.

We can be convinced of almost anything if with meditate on it long enough.

There is the power of life and death on the tongue and we must use it to speak life over our spouses.

• Speak life face to face
• Speak life in your mind
• Speak life when they are sleeping
• Speak life when they aren’t in the home
• Speak life when you’re talking to someone else about them

4) Recognize Areas of Stagnation

Somewhere (about halfway through our marriage) I began to realize that it’s NOT normal to lack fire, passion and energy in a family.

Your daily existence is an opportunity to go out into the world and take dominion and walk in Godly purpose as you pursue the heart of God with your family.

…if you’ve lost that

…if you’ve hardened your heart

…if you’ve backslidden,

that doesn’t change that truth.

We are full of life when we are doing what we were designed to do.

So if your home, or parts of your family structure are stagnant, recognize it and call it out (and don’t forget to communicate with understanding.)

5) Keep Destructive Things & People Out

NOT EVERYONE IS FOR YOU.

In fact, this is why it is important to discern and find the people who ARE for you so you can weigh the fruit of those Godly, covenant relationships against those who have ill intentions for you and your family.

Make no mistake…

…the second that you decide that your home and family are going to build something in the name of Christ, the Devil will do anything he has the jurisdiction to do to stop you.

This is why we get introduced to:

• distractions
• fake friendships
• false covenants
• unaligned communities and so much more.

In fact, my wife and I wrote 30+ pages in the recent Family Memo about 64 Signs to identify spiritually manipulative relationships, for that exact reason.

They are everywhere.

You don’t have to feel bad for setting boundaries, saying no, and having standards for ACCESS to your family.

When you are called there’s a cost to walk in that purpose—don’t give others free access to something that has cost you.

6) Forgive Yourself 

Unforgiveness towards yourself for failure will fuel all of the things you’re afraid of. Which will inevitable cause you to fall short in areas that you want to succeed in, which will cause more unforgiveness towards yourself.

Do you see the cycle?

1. You relationships suffer
2. Your ideas suffer
3. Your vision suffers
4. Your community suffers

The people assigned to you walking in purpose suffer

You have to forgive yourself for not doing it the right way.

• You didn’t treat that mentor and pastor with respect
• You didn’t’ take that advice because you thought they were out to get you
• You blocked them for something they weren’t aware they did
• You willingly withheld affection and only punished yourself
• You weren’t prepared for that opportunity
• You let the business go under
• You unrighteously responded to your kids and felt ugly for it

Forgive yourself!

You are a work in progress and the condition of your heart is far more important than the fruit of sin in your life.

You can legalistically stop sin.

You can’t legalistically change your heart condition. 

That requires honesty, humility, repentance, deliverance, growth, submission and seeing the authoritative hand of God over your life.

It will cause you to walk in the FEAR of God!

Conclusion

If you need coaching for your marriage, reach out to me directly: derek@establishedfamily.com. I will send you information and/or resources to help get your marriage to the next level of your Godly vision.